Bert Raccoon: A Canerican Dream
by raccoonqueen
Summary: What happened while Charles Roberts was in the Cryo-Freezer for 994 years? This story has all the answers!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

It had been only a few months since the Time Toon Cops had beaten Dr. Hamsterviel and his plans to steal the presidency from Charles Roberts. Bert and Lisa were married, and together they had a son, Bert Raccoon, Jr., and the TTC had already started becoming famous. And who could even ask for more?

One summer day, Bert was going down to the White House to visit Charles. But as soon as he reached the front porch, there was Charles' wife, Blaze the Cat. Bert said, "Oh, hi, Blaze. What's going on?"

"Charles isn't here," replied Blaze. "He's in Neo-Detroit."

"What happened to him?"

"He is frozen in his Cryo-Freezer, and he said he will be asleep for 994 years. But before he did that, he gave me this." Blaze took out a small piece of paper and gave it to Bert, who proceeded to read the note.

_Dear Bert,_

_I want you to become the new president of the USA. I changed most of it, but you need to change the rest, too. Since you want the US and Canada (your old home country) to join together, you can do that to make the United States of Canerica. Remember, this is your dream, this is your new life, and your legacy will live on. Your story of how you saved the world by stopping Dr. Hamsterviel with a stunner gun will be told for many generations to come (they'll even have a ballad for it, too). I will see you in 994 years, because you will have a future hero and a sidekick there. So, good luck becoming president, Bert, and give my regards to the future First Lady. I have faith in you._

_Signed,_

_Ex-President Charles Roberts_

Bert smiled. He asked, "Is it really true that I'm going to be the new president of the United States?"

"Yes, Bert," said Blaze with a nod. "But can you do me one favor?"

"Sure. What is it?"

"Tell the others that Charles had resigned from the presidency. In the meantime, you can go home and prepare your family for your new life in the White House. I wish you lots of luck."

"Thanks."

And he ran home, to tell Lisa that he was going to become the new president of the US. It was a lucky day, indeed.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Bert arrived at the house a few blocks from the Time Toon Cops Headquarters building. He went inside, and went over to the kitchen, where Lisa was feeding Bert Jr. some baby food. With an exuberant smile on his face, he said, "Hey, Lisa! Guess what? We're moving to the White House, and I'm going to become president!"

Lisa was startled at the sudden announcement. She was happy, but still she was curious. She asked, "Was Charles still the president?"

"No, he resigned," replied Bert. "He froze himself in a Cryo-Freezer, and he won't be up till the 994 years are over. Right now, I am going to take his place."

"Well, that's...sort of exciting. You've always wanted to be a leader, and since he saw you in the past, he must've given you a chance to finish what he started."

"Yes, Lisa...by making this world a better place."

Soon, the news spread across the country like wildfire. Headlines were on every newspaper, bearing the same message: "EX-TIME TOON COP TO BECOME NEW PRESIDENT!" It was heard on all the radio stations, and in an instant everyone in America were getting hyped up, with the hopes that the ring-tailed black-masked thrill seeker would become the new president of the United States. Even his friends were surprised. Reading the headline on the Daily News, Ralph Raccoon said to his wife Melissa, "Well, he only wanted to be famous all over the world..."

A campaign then went into full swing. Numerous candidates tossed their hats in the ring, challenging Bert's unexpected bid for the presidency. It was declared that only one debate was to be held on the first of every month, and that gave voters a chance to consider their choices until the campaign was over. In August, there was a debate between Bert Raccoon and Eek the Cat (from "Eek!-Stravaganza"), one of the candidates. In the end, Bert won. In September, another candidate stepped up-mean old Dick Dastardly. And guess what? Bert won again. In the last month of the campaign-that is, October-Bert finally got to face his greatest enemy: Cyril Sneer.

"When I become president," Cyril said to Bert before the debate began. "I'll have my son as the vice-president, and the pigs will be my bodyguards. Got that, Raccoon?"

"We'll see about that, Hose-Nose," replied Bert wittily.

The debate went on smoothly, until it came to the last and final moment. One of the reporters asked, "If you were elected to be president of the United States, what would be the first thing you'd do?"

"Issue a new law about raising taxes," answered Cyril. "An old guy like me needs to have tons of cash."

The audience booed. Poor choice of words, Cyril. Had he even remembered that Charles, the former president of the US, had passed the "No Taxes on Gas Price" law not very long ago? They pelted the pink aardvark with tomatoes, as he pleaded, "I was only just kidding!"

"Yeah, right," said the reporter sarcastically. Turning to Bert, he continued, "And what about you, Mr. Raccoon? What would _you_ do?"

Bert cleared his throat. He said, "I wouldn't raise taxes just to hurt everybody. We all know the law Mr. Roberts had already issued, stating that the gas prices are not to be raised up. So, you ask, what will I do when I become president? The answer's really simple. I have become devoted to this brilliant country, with its fair laws and its incredibly diverse culture. But still, my heart belongs to the one other country where I was born and raised-Canada. Those two countries are similar to one another-both of them used to be British colonies, they both share the same continent, and they both have populations of Native Americans, who now live in reservations. But since I can't choose between the two nations, I will come up with a solution that won't fail...when I become president, I will unite the US and Canada together to form a new country, a country where humans and toons-and yes, aliens-could live together in peace and harmony. A country where there will be no excessive fighting and warfare. A country where the homeless will at last have homes to live in, new clothes to wear, and fresh food to eat. A country where racism and hate will no longer exist-any person who still exhibits prejudice against blacks, Jews, Asians, Native Americans, and other minorities will be sent to Mars, where he will be tortured to death until he repents. I guess _that_ will teach the terrible Ku Klux Klan a lesson."

The audience laughed. Bert continued, "And in closing, the country I will form will be a country where one single raccoon will do the impossible, to spread peace among all the other nations of the world. That's what I'll do when I become president. I will erase the boundaries of America and Canada, and fuse the two countries together. And I will name the new country...Canerica!"

The audience cheered wildly. Cyril became flabbergasted-even he couldn't manage to make a statement like that one. Bert's friends, who have been watching the debate on their TVs, cheered. Lisa smiled and wiped a tear from her eye. Those were the wisest words her husband ever said.

November 7-Election Day. The votes poured in from every state in the union. The biggest question came into the minds of every American: who's it gonna be? Will it be Bert Raccoon, the thrill-seeker? Eek the Cat, the coward? Dick Dastardly, the meanie? Or will it be Cyril Sneer, the miser? The people had to make up their minds.

Finally, it all came to the moment when the votes were being collected. On CBS News at 8, Kent Brockman announced, "Now, here are the votes for the presidential race. Bert Raccoon's at 97%, Eek the Cat at 60%, Dick Dastardly at 33%, and Cyril Sneer at a very, very low 12%. And the winner of the race and the new president of the United States is..."

The viewers held their breath, awaiting the final results. After what seemed like a few seconds, Brockman shouted excitedly, "Bert Raccoon! The winner is Bert Raccoon!"

Loud cheers and blasting fireworks broke the solemn silence all over the countryside. The noises of the celebration were evident-you could hear it from Boston or Miami, or even New York or Los Angeles. So, it comes to this-Bert Raccoon, ex-star of "The Raccoons", ex-Time Toon Cop, and...the new president of the United States of America.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

It was January 20, 2016-Inauguration Day. The public, humans and toons alike, flocked over to the White House to watch Bert Raccoon get sworn in. Almost everybody was there to witness the event. Even his old friends from the Time Toon Cops Headquarters came. Lisa was there, too, with little Bert Jr., who was barely a year old. They all cheered as Bert came strolling over to the podium, proudly smiling. Chief Justice Spike Bulldog came over with a Bible, and Bert placed his right paw on it. Spike said, "Now, repeat after me..."

"No, no, Spike," said Bert. "I think I can handle it just fine." Then, he cleared his throat and began, "I, Bert Raccoon, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States, so help me God. How's that?"

"That's pretty good, Bert," said Spike, laughing. "And congratulations-welcome to the White House!"

And so, the new era of a new nation had begun. Now it was time for Bert to deliver his inaugural address. He announced, "My fellow citizens, I have the formal pleasure and happiness to tell you that from the time I begin sitting in the Oval Office, this country will be officially christened as the United States of Canerica. But don't worry about what new names I can give to all the 50 states and all the provinces of my birth country-their names will remain the same, as will their cities and towns. And wait! I have even bigger news! Great Britain did have a glorious empire once, did she? Well, for the first time in the history of this noble planet, I will declare this nation and all the other nations around Earth an empire. Now, I know what you're thinking-'Bert, you're crazy! You can't rule over an entire planet!' I know this is crazy, but it's true. I've been popular all over the world, not because of my starring role as a happy-go-lucky raccoon, but also as the most important member of the TTC. Even the aliens up there in the galaxy love me."

At this, everybody applauded. The aliens among the crowd warbled, wailed, and clicked in excitement. Bert continued, "So, now remember, people-as long as I live, I will promise to continue all the good things our friend Charles Roberts had done for us. He's still in the Cryo-Freezer, but he doesn't even know what he's missing. Once he gets out after 994 years, he'll see what a great job I have done for this country. In Canerica, racism will no longer exist, and people of all cultures will be able to get along, despite their differences. For children with special needs such as mental retardation or autism, you don't need to worry about them-I've got all those kids covered, and I will make sure they are treated as normal individuals rather than refugees from a circus freak show. And Africa-yes, Africa-drought, famine, and tribal wars will soon be a thing of the past, as I will turn that country into a lush tropical paradise it has always been before the European slavers disrupted everything, and the people there will no longer go hungry. You see? Even world-famous Canadian-born American citizens like me have to start somewhere. So, my fellow citizens, let's make the first four years the best years of our lives!"

There was complete silence. From the looks on the audience's faces, Bert could tell that he deserved more than just four years in the office. Maybe he should become president for life, because he was the only person in the Time Toon Cop force to have ever saved the world by stopping Dr. Hamsterviel. They all looked up to him as a national hero. He said, "Oh...that's not a good idea, huh? Okay, how about this-since I'm the most popular guy in the world and in the galaxy, I shall become president for life! I will never abandon my position, even after four years!"

The crowd cheered wildly. He smiled and took a bow. The audience chanted, "Bert Raccoon! Bert Raccoon! Bert Raccoon! Bert Raccoon!"

His friends came up to the podium and gave him hugs and high fives. Bert asked, "You guys wanna go over to Olive Garden for a festive victory party?"

"Oh, sure, Bert," said Ralph, shaking hands with him. "Melissa and I love going there."

Lisa kissed Bert on the cheek and handed Bert Jr. to him. The raccoon toddler looked up at Bert, smiled, and babbled, "Go, Dada!"

Bert smiled warmly. Those were his son's first words! He said, "Yes, Bert Jr., I finally did it. I'm the president."

And it was so. On the day after the inauguration, Blaze sent for the movers to put the frozen body of her husband in his Dragon Lair. As they did that, she kissed the glass and smiled, knowing that she will live forever.

"It's very nice of you to agree to Bert's idea of staying with us," said First Lady Lisa Raccoon, holding Bert Jr. in her arms. "I'm sure you'll never forget your husband."

"Yes," said Blaze under her breath. "And when the 994 years are over, I'll be waiting for him."

"Me, too," said Bert warmly. He then smiled cheerfully and said, "How about some Strawberry Kool-Aid with some oatmeal cookies? At least that will cheer you up."

Blaze smiled back and said, "Yes. I would love some." And so, she and the new White House family went back inside their magnificent home.

By the time Bert became president, he got rid of the boaters from the coastlines of Washington to the coastlines of Maine, and the Boater Patrol as well. But they were allowed to keep Mexico's borders and to let the Mexicans immigrate into Canerica. He also got rid of the passports for Mexican citizens and Canerican citizens-there was no need to use those to travel to all parts of the world and to the planets and stars of the galaxy.

Bert kept the WWE and TNA, the only two wrestling shows, and also NBA and other sports (including Bert's favorite, hockey!) were kept, too, since they were all forms of entertainment. At the WWE and TNA events they held a tribute to the ex-president and 28-time champion (18 in WWE and 10 in TNA), Charles Roberts, as the best wrestler in the world. He was eventually inducted into the 2014 WWE Hall of Fame, but Blaze the Cat accepted the award in his absence.

Later, Bert was thinking whether he should keep the US Highway Markers or the Canadian Highway Markers, or combine them both, like he did with America and Canada-he decided to have a meeting on this subject. Soon, the problem with the highway markers were solved-it was decided that the markers of both countries should be combined. He appointed James Roberts (Charles' brother from Cleveland, Ohio, graduate of the University of Ohio, and coach of his football team, who won the 2013 National Title) as president of South Africa, thus eliminating apartheid.

A new flag for the new country was designed by Bert himself. It was a combination of a Canadian flag and an American flag, the Stars and Stripes covering up the well-known maple leaf. Even a new anthem was written-a Canerican version of the classic Canadian anthem called "O Canerica". And Bert did all he can to rid his newly created empire of any known signs of poverty and homelessness. That way, the "Man In The Mirror" prophecy was soon fulfilled.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

There was another feat Bert accomplished: he created a new religion. Sensing the tensions between all the faiths of the East and West, he realized that the only way to ensure unity in all nations is that of the creation of a brand-new religion. For this purpose, he called together all the representatives of each sect-Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism, and spiritualism. Bert said, "So, what's this that causes tensions between all of you?"

"Those heathens," said a representative of the Roman Catholic Church, pointing to the leaders of Islam. "Say that we are the allies of the 'Great Satan'-that is, this country."

"We never said you were of the 'Great Satan'," argued the Islamic leaders. "That's Satan controlling the fools who think that way. What was their name again? Al-Qaida, was it?"

"Quiet, all of you!" said the representatives of Buddhism. "You're disrupting our good karma!"

All at once, the religious leaders argued and argued. Bert, irritated, decided to put an end to all that squabbling and bickering. He said, "All right, clam it up, all of you. Now, listen here-we may not learn to get along very well because of our religious beliefs and our creeds. But let's say we decide to put an end to all this by combining all the religions into one universal religion, where everybody could be free to worship as they please."

"And what would you call it, then, Mr. President?"

"I'll call it...the First Amalgamated Church."

The leaders were awe-struck. Never has a decision been made so beautifully like that. Finally, they asked, "So, what of this 'First Amalgamated Church'? Can you tell us its creed? Its rituals and religious clothing? What about its music?"

Bert replied calmly, "Pay attention to me, and I'll show you."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Bert then proceeded to tell the religious leaders about the First Amalgamated Church, or "Amalgamatism". He told them about its belief that the unity of all religions represents the unity of all nations. He told them about its role in baptism, weddings, festivals, and funerals. And of course, he told them about the ritual clothing the priests of the church must wear at every occasion.

"For the clothes," said Bert, showing a diagram of an Amalgamate priest in ritual clothes. "The mitre from the Catholic faith must have a yin-yang symbol of Taoism on its peak. And there must be a clerical collar from that religion, too. From Judaism, there should be a payot-those two sideburn-like thingies Orthodox Jews refuse to shave off. And from Buddhism, an orange wrap will be around his entire body and he should go barefoot, and of course, a shoulder scarf adorned with all the pretty moons and stars, with a shoulder pad to go along with it-that's from spiritualism. So, what do you think? Approve or disapprove?"

The leaders paused to think for a moment. The Roman Catholic leaders said, "Well, that yin-yang symbol on the hat looks pretty good. And the moons and stars-though pagan in origin-it really does accentuate the cream-colored robe."

"Yes," said the Buddhists. "And we definitely love the idea of having a priest go barefoot. That way, he looks just like the Dalai Lama."

The other leaders agreed. Bert smiled and said, "Well, what are you waiting for? Let the churches of the new faith be built!"

And so it was. All over the world, cathedrals for the First Amalgamated Church sprang up in every city and town. Upon the announcement of the creation of the new religion, Bert sent out missionaries to bring humans, toons, and aliens into its membership. At first, converts came by the hundreds, and in the course of a few months, there were now one million converts to Amalgamatism (and still counting!).

During that time, a pleasant set of events happened. President James Roberts of South Africa married Annabelle from All Dogs Go To Heaven, and they were very happy. They soon had a kid named James Roberts Jr., a Human/Angel Whippet Dog hybrid-he was there to help them be happy. Charles' twin brother, Charles III, was jealous of his brother, but then something bad happened. His Dark Side split from him, so his Dark Side named himself Jackson Roberts. It is unknown where Charles III is right now, but he was still alive all these years (and of course, this will lead to the next Time Toon Cops story, too).

Charles' cousin Rick Roberts became the president of Panama, due to his part-Spanish heritage. He married Jane Duck (Daisy Duck's niece), and together they had a kid named Hector Roberts. After being told of the marriages and births that had happened all this time, Bert laughed and said, "That's spectacular news. Now Bert Jr. will have two new friends to play with."

"Yes, President Raccoon," said Mickey Mouse, the Secretary of Defense. "Oh, and by the way, I just got a phone call from President Pepe Le Pew."

Pepe Le Pew, the cartoon skunk, was the president of France. He lived in Paris with his wife, Penelope Le Pew (nee Cat), and his young daughter, Marie. Bert asked, "What did he tell you?"

"He said he was visiting California the other day, to attend the Annual Toon Heritage Day parade in Hollywood. And he met Vice-President Bugs Bunny over there."

"Oh, so that's where he's been. What is he up to now?"

"I don't know, but President Le Pew said that he found Bugs in an abandoned warehouse full of carrots."

"Well, that doesn't seem so bad."

"Those aren't just ordinary carrots, Mr. President, but they're carrots that have been bought in a black market ingenious called 'Tons of Veggies'. They are grown in local farms, plucked, and injected with steroids. And come to think of it, Bugs seems to be addicted to all of those steroid-infected carrots."

"He's WHAT?"

The following day, the headlines screamed out the shocking scandal: "VICE-PRESIDENT ADDICTED TO CARROTS! VEGETABLE MARKET PUT TO SHAME!"


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

It was a scandal that rocked the empire, when word got out that Bugs Bunny was addicted to steroid-infected carrots. It was a complete embarrassment to Bert, even when he was trying to make his nation a purely drug-free world. Bert traveled all the way to California, and went over to see Bugs in his Burrow Mansion in Hollywood. With him was Commander Alexander Armington II, who was still the leader of the TTC at this time.

"Bugs," said Bert, outraged. "Why did you do this? You're supposed to be a kid's role model! You never do drugs, not even in your lifetime. I remember when you were on the show once, when you tried to save a boy's life. Why? WHY?"

"Sorry, Bert," croaked Bugs. He didn't look like the same rabbit everyone knew, since his fur was all frazzled and his eyes were sagged and clouded. "I didn't know the carrots were drugged, so I'm very sorry. But since I let you down that way, maybe I'll just resign from my position as vice-president."

Then Bright Eyes came into the scene. Very recently, she had gone off to trace the carrots to their source. She said, "The carrots were from Colombia, sir. They've been illegally shipped in by a powerful drug cartel group called the Mad Dog League."

Alex II sighed in frustration. He muttered, "Oh, great, they're at it again. It's time to end this drug war once and for all." To Bert, he said, "Mr. President, will you hold a press conference at the White House tomorrow? I'm also going to make one, too. We're gonna put the drug cartel in Colombia down for good, but first 'Tons of Veggies' will be the first one to be shut down." He then got up to leave.

On the following day, Bert held a press conference in front of the White House. He warned his people that if there are any fruits or vegetables that are tainted with steroids or any type of drug, then they must throw them away, and that the supermarkets should be checking every kind of produce that is imported from every other country besides South America. Millions of terrified Canericans did all they could to discard any fruits and vegetables that they suspect is tainted with drugs. It was an event known in the history books as "The Great Produce Panic of 2017".

Several months passed. The members of the Mad Dog League and their accomplices were found, caught, and arrested. The era of drugs was finally over, but to make sure that it wouldn't happen again, Bert ordered the Boater Patrol to guard the coastlines of South America, to ensure that the produce brought from there is safe to be imported into Canerica. As for Bugs, his former vice-president, he didn't even feel like welcoming him back to the White House for that outrageous crime.

One night, Bert was talking on the phone with Alex II. The commander had meanwhile married Fifi La Fume, and had 10 children with her. Alex II said, "You need a new vice-president to take Bugs place. If you die in office or resign from there, there will be nobody else to take the responsibility to step up and run the government."

"It's impossible, Alex II," replied Bert worriedly. "Ever since I kicked him out, I didn't have the opportunity to go look for one."

Alex II paused for a moment. Then, he said, "Well, have you ever thought about holding a contest?"

"For what?"

"A contest, Bert. To see who will be the next vice-president."

Bert laughed. He said, "A contest to seek a new vice-president? That's just like asking Bigfoot to play an electric guitar in front of tourists!"

"Trust me! I've seen somebody on a radio station do this once, only that it was for picking out a new sidekick."

"Okay...so, what do you want me to do?"

"I want you to tell the people that there will be a new contest going on. The person who wins in the end will become the next vice-president of the United States of Canerica. Trust me, Bert-I'm sure it will work."

Bert hung up the phone. He sat there, thinking. Just what kind of contest would it be? Then, Lisa and Blaze happened to come in. Lisa asked, "What's going on, Bert?"

"Alex II wants me to hold a contest," said Bert. "To see who gets to be the new vice-president. Unfortunately, I don't know what kind of contest it would be. It's got to take a whole lot of thinking on this..."

At this, Lisa started to think, too. She said, "How about a dance contest?"

"No."

"A hot dog-eating one?"

"Nope."

"What about...a drawing one? I know somebody who is a good painter."

"No, no, NO!"

It was no use. He was about to give up when Blaze said, "Bert, I remember you telling us a story about how you beat Rod Steel in a race back in the Evergreen Forest long ago. Maybe a big race will do the trick."

Bert smiled. Why didn't he think of that before? He said happily, "That's it! A racing contest! Now, here's how it'll go down-there will be a large race track, extending from Los Angeles all the way to New York. The first person to get to the finish line will be the winner and the new vice-president. How about that?"

"That sounds great, Bert," said Lisa. "Should we tell our friends about it?"

"Not just our friends, but for the whole empire! It's a free-for-all, Lisa! Everybody's expected to join in!"

And so, Bert proceeded to announce the plans for a race that will determine who will be the next vice-president of the United States of Canerica.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Ralph and Melissa were shopping in Los Angeles on a hot summer day. On their way to a clothing store, they stopped to see a large poster on one side of the wall. It said:

_THE GREAT BIG TRANSCONTINENTAL RACE_

_A race to determine who will win the position of vice-president, hosted by President Raccoon himself! If any of you hot-wired and hot-blooded big guys want to run like the dickens towards the finish line, sign up at the nearest registering office at Exposition Park today on July 9, 2017. The race will be due to begin on the 10th tomorrow, so don't wait! Take the bait!_

"A race for the vice-presidency?" said Melissa. "Bert must've flipped his lid when he had this in mind."

"I'm sure I can enter this race," said Ralph. "I've been watching the 'Wacky Races' on TV, and I'm very confident that I'll win it."

"Are you sure, Ralph? The flyer says that you have to be registered at a registering poll, in order to enter the race. And besides, you haven't raced in a car before."

"Of course, I haven't, Melissa. There's no problem in obtaining a car, though..."

As Ralph started to walk away, Melissa waved "goodbye" and said, "Good luck, anyway!"

Ralph arrived at Exposition Park, but to his surprise there was an extremely long line of humans and toons, all of them males. Ralph groaned. He came to Exposition Park for _THIS_?

"Attention, people," said a woman through a microphone. "The registration polls will close at precisely 6:00 P.M., so hurry and sign up to enter the Great Big Transcontinental Race. Remember-many will enter, but only six will be chosen!"

Ralph looked at his watch. It was 11:25 A.M.-the polls were to close in about seven hours. He sighed and muttered, "It's gonna be a long day..."

One hour passed. It was now 12:14 at noon. The line was shortened a little bit, with Ralph at the end. He just stood there, casually eating a sandwich he ordered at Subway. Two more hours passed, and at 2:32, the line was shortened some more, but it was still far from the registration poll. Ralph was still standing at the end of the line, talking with his brother George on his cell phone. Two more hours passed. At 4:50, the line was almost close to the registration poll, and he was still standing there, playing Mario Kart on his Nintendo DS.

Later, Ralph was fast asleep against a wall. Suddenly, the woman's voice through the microphone woke him up: "Attention, people! The registration polls are ready to close. Any remaining persons willing to participate in the contest must register right now!"

Ralph rubbed his eyes and looked at his watch. It was now 5:40 P.M.-and he's only got 20 minutes left! Without wasting time, Ralph jumped up and ran into the building. There was a large fat woman sitting behind the booth, with a notepad on the table in front of her. Ralph said, "I'm here to sign up to participate in the race."

"Your name, sir?" asked the woman.

Ralph hesitated, before replying, "Ralph Raccoon."

He signed his name on the notepad and pushed it up to the woman, who looked at it for a few moments. Then, pointing towards a door to her right side, the woman said, "Go into the room and wait for further instructions."

Ralph went inside a room and sat in a chair. A mysterious voice, though it sounded a little bit familiar, said, "So, your name is Ralph Raccoon. Am I correct or no?"

Startled, Ralph muttered, "Uh...yes."

"What's your age?"

Ralph began counting his fingers. Then, he said, "I'm...uh...35-yeah, I'm 35." He didn't have to reveal his actual age, so this was a good cover. Or was it?

"Wrong. I know how old you really are. Didn't President Raccoon tell you that you were exactly the same age as he is?"

Ralph gulped. He was stunned. The voice continued the questionnaire: "When was your birthday?"

"My birthday was June 14-"

"Oh, really? I'd hate to sneak into the Records Room to check out your birth certificate..."

Alarmed, Ralph shouted, "No! DON'T!"

There was a short pause, before the voice said, "Okay...I won't. So, your birthday is June 14. That's all?"

"Yes."

"Well, all right, then. Let's see how well you do in the other questions of the exam..."

The examination went smoothly, if not a little painful. After being asked about his occupation, his family, his lifestyle, and how much money he was making, Ralph thought he had gotten through it all easy. He was wrong, however, when a pair of robotic arms lifted Ralph up from his chair. They stretched him, probed him, and rolled him around. Then, the bruised and dazed raccoon was gently set back onto the chair, before the robot arms disappeared. The voice said, "Perfect. Your information is incredibly accurate, and you look and feel healthy enough to participate in the race-it looks like you're in now. Thank you for your time, Mr. Raccoon-we'll see you tomorrow." Ralph managed to crack a toothless smile, before falling onto the floor and passing out.

Later that night, Ralph was at home, exhausted. Earlier upon going his way back to his house, he went to an auto body shop and created a race car. Now, he was in bed, but he was too excited to go to sleep. As he lay back and stared at the ceiling, he began whispering the age-old mantra he had learned during his childhood: "I think I can...I think I can...I think I can..."

"Ralph?" asked Melissa sleepily. "What are you doing?"

Ralph replied, "I'm uttering the line the Little Blue Engine had said in a story. My mother used to read that to George and me when we were kids, and today I still think this phrase can give me a whole lot of confidence to use for that big race tomorrow."

Melissa groaned, and pulled the covers over her. "Please, go to sleep. That will have to wait until that day arrives."

Ralph chuckled, before sighing happily and whispering, "Yeah...that big day..."

Another day came. The Great Transcontinental Race was about to begin at the Sports Arena in Exposition Park. President Bert Raccoon, the host of the event, was there, with his friend Mickey Mouse. Also with him was his wife Lisa, with Bert Jr. standing by her side and holding her paw. And yes, Blaze was there, too. The man standing on the podium was Scott Roberts, the Governor of California, and Charles' 4th brother. The Governor of New York, Michael Roberts (also Charles' other brother) was there with him.

Bert announced, "Canericans of all ages and ethnicities, welcome to today's Great Transcontinental Race, where the big boys speed up to make it to the end. This race is sponsored by Holiday Inn, the Weather Channel, CTBS, NBA Care, NFL Care, and Nascar. The grand prize this time is a trophy, along with the seat of the vice-presidency. Who will be the first to get it? I don't know, but this contest will be the only way to determine the winner of that coveted prize. So, are you ready for some excitement?"

The crowds cheered. Governor Michael Roberts said, "Now, listen up, everyone! This race will last 12 days, from Los Angeles all the way to New York, and the finish line will be at the UN Building at First Avenue. The state troopers, police and sheriffs will back off so you can go fast at any speed you want. We'll also shut down the following Canerican Interstate Highways: CI-10 in California, CI-40 in Arizona, CI-30, CI-20, Ci-85, Ci-55, Ci-72, Ci-74, CI-70, CI-95, and CI-80. So, that will be the deal, see? Also, the weather conditions will be playable in every state, especially if it's sunny or cloudy. But if there's a heavy rainfall or a severe thunderstorm happening, or a tornado, hailstorm or blizzard, or if you just feel like sleeping, then you can stay in any hotel in the states. They will give you a free room, then you can leave from the hotel early-say at 6 AM in the morning-and also stop for food, too. The restaurants will give you free breakfast, lunch and dinner, or even a snack if you get hungry on the way-because we need our racers rested and filled up."

Everybody yawned at the long introduction. Even the participants yawned, too. Michael continued, "Even the gas stations and hydro stations will give you free gas and hydrogen, too, and also a free car wash and a free tune-up to make sure your car is in working shape. And also, if you get into a crash or an accident of any type, Triple A will offer free services, too, since it's a free-for-all. Now, let's check out the participants for the race!"

The crowds, after being freed from the long testimony, cheered again. Bert muttered, "About time we got down to business..."

Governor Michael went on to introduce the racers. He said, "Number 1, from Hollywood, California, getting ready to hit the road in the shiny sleek new Solar Coaster, here is President Raccoon's loyal friend, Ralph Raccoon!" The fans cheered. Melissa, who was also seen sitting in the stands, cheered, too. "Number 2, from the Evergreen Forest, rolling in his Sneermobile, he is the richest and sourest aardvark in the world. Here's Cyril Sneer!" The crowds booed. They hated Cyril Sneer, since he spoiled his bid for the presidency a short time ago during the presidential election back in 2015. "Number 3, from Potsylvania, now residing in Jacksonville, Florida, here is Boris Badenov!" The crowd booed again, as Boris took a bow. "Number 4, from Phoenix, Arizona, here is Dick Dastardly!"

"This is going to be our lucky day, Muttley," said Dastardly, speaking to his dog Muttley. "It'll be just like the good old times!" Muttley snickered his trademark giggle.

Michael continued, "Number 5, from Los Angeles, California, here is Buster Bunny!" The crowd cheered for him. "And now, Number 6, from Grand Rapids, Michigan, now living in Tampa, Florida, with his love Dot Warner, he is the former Nascar 4-time champion, and also the 5-time TNA World Champion and 3-time IC champ. Here he is-he's Sky Armington!" The crowd cheered even louder.

"Good luck to both of us, Ralph!" shouted Sky, waving to him. Ralph nodded and waved back.

Michael said, "Well, that's it for now. Shall we sing the anthem now, President Raccoon?"

He handed the microphone to Bert, who then said, "Well, let's sing it! All rise for the national anthem!"

The crowd stood up from the stands and put their right hands (and paws) over their hearts. The participants did the same. In the distance, the Canerican flag rose slowly up the pole, all the way to the top. Patriotic music began to play, and the people started to sing.

_O Canerica!  
Our home and native land!  
True brotherly love and freedom for our men!_

It seemed that everybody (especially the president) was singing the anthem. Almost everybody, that is. Dastardly, pretending to sing the anthem, winked at Cyril. In turn, the pink aardvark whispered to the three pigs, and told them to do something to the engine of Ralph's car. What were they planning this time?

_With warming hearts and growing pride,  
That rise up even to the moon,  
From far and wide, we bring nought but peace  
To every man and toon._

Ralph was unaware of what the pigs were doing to his car. He was too entranced by the melody of the anthem-it reminded him so much of the national anthem of his old home country, and every time he heard it, he cried, even when he sang. The pigs, meanwhile, had started to open the trunk and pull out the engine...secretly.

_God keep our land happy, safe, and free,  
Fair Canerica, we'll take good care of thee_

The pigs brought the engine over to Cyril and told him that they did it. He laughed, sent them away, and went into his car, as did the other participants. The song soon came to an end.

_Fair Canerica, we'll take good care of thee!_

The crowd cheered. Bert shouted excitedly, "Gentlemen, start your engines!" The racers turned their ignition keys and the cars started to run. Bert smiled and held out a large black-and-white checkered flag, ready to wave it. He said, "Now, on your marks...get set...and go! Go! GO!"

The cars zoomed away, leaving the entire place covered in smoggy smoke. They were all gone, except for Ralph, who was struggling to start his car, with no success whatsoever. Bert said, "And there they go, the racers roving along the road from Los Angeles, and heading their way towards the road to the Big Apple! But what's up with Number 1? He doesn't seem to be getting anywhere."

Ralph was frustrated. Was there something wrong with the engine? He got out of the car and checked under the hood. There was something wrong with the engine, all right-IT'S MISSING! Ralph said, "So, they want to take away my engine, huh? Good thing I always keep a spare." With that, he took out a large piece of plutonium rock and placed it inside the car before slamming the hood shut. Getting back in the front seat, he continued, "Of course, what they don't know is that this car rarely uses the engine at all. It's plutonium powered." He turned the ignition key, and the car began to run perfectly, before zooming off at light speed. The crowd was amazed.

Bert said, "Wow! Number 1 managed to deal with the emergency by running his car on plutonium! Now, he's on his way to catch up with the others. Where are they now? As evidenced in the video cameras, they seem to be crossing the California-Nevada border, and now they're headed for Las Vegas. Let's see what happens next from there."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

The race continued for days. Sky was in 1st Place as he passed through Las Vegas, then in Utah. He was looking for Ralph, but he was nowhere to be found. Did someone take the engine out of his car?

Sky said, "I'll bet there are three suspects involved in this shenanigan-Cyril Sneer, Dick Dastardley, and Boris." He punched his Mark-7 Car as he turned on CI-70 to Denver, and the others did so. Then, Ralph came in from the rear and turned on CI-70, too. He honked the horn to get Sky's attention. Sky looked up in his rearview mirror and saw Ralph right behind him. He shouted, "Ralph! Where have you been?"

"I was left behind, Sky," answered Ralph. "I had looked under the hood of my car and noticed that my engine was missing."

"I already knew that."

Ralph was surprised. He asked, "How did you know?"

"I have ESP," replied Sky. "The pigs from Mr. Sneer's crew took out your engine and left you behind at the starting line in Los Angeles."

"Oh, that's okay. I replaced it with plutonium. My car runs on that, you know."

Up in the sky, a large blimp flew close by. On that blimp were two other hosts of the race-Sweet Polly Purebred and Ann Gora of Kat Eyes News in MegaKat City. They passed over Utah in Beaver County, past the city. Holding a microphone in her paw, Polly said, "Hello there! I'm Sweet Polly Purebred from CTBS in New York City, and this is my partner, Ann Gora form Kat Eyes News in MegaKat City, Utah."

"Thanks, Polly," said Ann Gora. "And now, here are the recent results of the race. Sky Armington is in 1st Place, Cyril in 2nd, Buster Bunny in 3rd, Dick Dastardly in 4th, Boris in 5th, Ralph Raccoon in 6th, Eek the Cat in 7th, Dexter in 8th, Speed Racer in Mach 5 in 9th-and it looks like he's catching up, too-and Yakko Warner in 10th place. The other racers are from 11th to 100th Place."

"I thought there were to be only six racers, Ann."

"President Raccoon had changed his mind. He thinks a race with 100 participants should be more exciting."

Then, a news bulletin appeared as Sweet Polly read a piece of paper that was sent to her, and she gasped in shock. She said, "Ladies and gentlemen, a tornado is in Denver, Colorado, and the Road Rovers are there to help. But the worst news is that Hunter is dead-he got killed when he tried to save four kids from a falling school, and after he got them to safety he was crushed underneath it. Colleen is crying, because her husband is dead and he also left the four kids, too. Right now they need help."

Sky and Ralph had happened to hear the shocking news. Sky said, "Did you hear that, Ralph? Hunter of the Road Rovers is dead! We should go to Denver to help Colleen and the kids."

"I'll be right on it," said Ralph. Sky then punched his Mach 7 into overdrive, heading to Denver with Ralph following him. The other toons who heard the news drove to Denver to help, too. Dick Dastardly said, "I may be a villain, but I'm not that cruel. I will help this time, but tomorrow I will win the race since this will take it out of me. Right, Muttley?"

Muttley snickered in reply. He knew exactly what his master meant. They were not going to Denver to help-they're actually going to trick the other participants in becoming losers!

In Denver, the Road Rovers and the Space Rovers were helping with the evacuations. The racers came along, and helped to get the people to safety as a giant Town Hall building began to fall to the ground. It was about to fall on Colleen. Sky saw this and shouted, "COLLEEN! LOOK OUT!"

Colleen looked up to see the building falling on to her and she screamed. Just then, a red blur came and saved Colleen, as the building crashed into the ground, breaking into dozens of pieces. Once she opened her eyes she couldn't believe it-the person who saved her was Charles Roberts III! She muttered, "Charles Roberts the 3rd? But we thought you disappeared!"

"It's a long story," said Charles III. "But right now, I've got a capital to save." He put Colleen down, and saw a tornado in the distance. After scanning it, he said, "This tornado was man-made."

"Who do you think made it?" asked Exile.

That's when Sky, Ralph, and the other racers came up. Ralph said, "Charles III, you came back. Why?"

Charles III replied, "Like I said, long story. And this tornado was made by Pravo, so let me get rid of it."

He went in front of the tornado and stood his ground. He shouted loudly, "THUNDER CLAP!" and did a Thunder Clap Slammer. The tornado disappeared, and the citizens of Denver cheered for him.

The news reporters arrived, including the hosts. Ann said to Charles III, "This is Ann Gora. We don't believe this-Charles Roberts III had just returned after saving Colleen's life and getting rid of the tornado by using Thunder Clap. Charles III, why did you disappear since your brother Charles Roberts went into a Cryo-Freezer for 994 years?"

"You see," answered Charles III. "Since I was jealous of my brother, my Dark Side was release from me and named himself Jackson Roberts. So I regretted that action and I went to the Salion Monks Temple to live with them and train with them, too. Eventually I became their worthy disciple, and they gave me the Elixir of Immortality, so when I drink it, I become an immortal. I learned new moves, too, like the Thunder Clap that I just did. I have been chasing Pravo and Groomer, since they were making Chaos in China and Thailand-I was living in Thailand at that time in the Himalayas. Well, right now I see Hunter didn't make it and I will head to his funeral, too."

"Thank you," said Ann with a smile. "The citizens of Denver will be very happy."

Then Professor Sheeper came up. He said, "Charles III, before Hunter died, he wrote a note to me saying that if he dies then he wants you to be the new leader of the Road Rovers and marry Colleen, too, since you and him were friends during 3 years. So, what do you say? Will you do it?"

Colleen ran up to Charles III and hugged him. She said, "Please, say 'yes', Charles III! I lost my husband, and now I want to be with you." The kids ran up to him and hugged him, too. Charles III smiled. He said, "Well, Colleen and Sheeper, my answer will be 'yes'. I will join the Road Rovers, marry Colleen, and see President Raccoon, too, letting him know that Jackson Roberts is still out there, waiting to strike soon."

Suddenly, Ralph shouted, "Look!"

He was pointing to a dog in the crowd. Could that be Hunter? He said cheerily, "Hey, guys. Did you miss me?"

The crowd cheered. Hunter was still alive! But they were confused. Colleen muttered, "Hunter? If...if that was you, then who was..."

"A robot," said Hunter, dusting his metal paws off. "Made to look like me. I don't know who built that guy, but I was sure it was used to fool you into thinking that I was actually dead."

"Well...whatever. But still, I'm so glad that you're alive again, and so are our children."

They shared a hug and a tender kiss, as everybody looked on and cheered. Sky yawned, saying, "Well, that's enough adventure for right now. We need to get some sleep."

"Same here, too," Ralph said.

Buster pointed to a nearby sign and said, "There's a Holiday Inn, saying racers can stay for free over there."

"Then let's go there to rest, and get up at 5 AM in the morning."

They walked over to the hotel and turned in for the night. In the next morning, they got up and went back to the race, the next destination being Kansas.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

"The contest is starting to get heated up, folks," said Bert. He was broadcasting live on TV in front of the White House, continuing the coverage of the Great Transcontinental Race. "And it looks like the racers are on their way to their top destination, where we will see who will take the seat of the vice-presidency. Miss Purebred, can you tell us where they've been and what they are up to now?"

"Sure thing, Mr. President," said Polly. "Now, here are the positions of the racers-Dick Dastardly is in 1st Place, Yakko Warner in 2nd, Eek the Cat in 3rd, Daffy Duck in 4th, and Huckleberry Hound in 5th. The other racers are still catching up, though. And here's the recap of their route..." She gestured to a large map of the United States of Canerica, with the red line indicating the route the racers were to use. She continued, "First, starting from Los Angeles, the participants made their way north through the city of Barstow, passed over the border between California and Nevada, and went through Las Vegas. Next, they left Nevada, entered Utah, and passed right into Denver, Colorado, the site of the worst tornado disaster in Canerican history, in which the city was almost completely wiped out. As of right now, the racers are headed for the state of Kansas, the next stop being Salina."

Bert laughed and said, "Oh, boy, this is going to be some race we'll be having. Kansas is situated in the middle of Tornado Alley-if you were Dorothy or her cute little dog, you wouldn't be hanging around that area. Luckily for our racers, there hasn't been a single tornado in the past year, Colorado being the only exception. I wonder how they will get through this one..."

Dick Dastardly and his dog Muttley were already passing through Salina. Of course, with the help of Jackson Roberts, the two villains had managed to pass the other racers by without being noticed. He laughed victoriously and said, "This time, Muttley, we're going to win for sure!"

Far behind him, Sky, Ralph, Buster, Yakko and Speed Racer were rapidly catching up. As they were passing through Hays, Sky said, "Man! That was a cheap shot from Dick Dastardly! He got up at 3 AM and got a 2-hour head start on us, just before we all woke up."

"We've got to think up a plan," said Speed Racer. "To catch up to Dick Dastardly. So, Ralph, you got any ideas?"

Ralph said, "I've got a plan, all right-a really good plan. Ever hear of a mean dog named Sharky?"

"Sharky?" Eek cried out in panic. "That was the dog who was always chasing me and trying to eat me!"

"Relax, Eek. I have a plan that will never fail. I'll call on my cell phone and ask your girlfriend to send her dog to us."

"But what are we going to do with him? Once he sees me, he's gonna-"

Ralph held up a spray can. On it were the words in black letters that said, "Dog Spray". Ralph said, "I'll spray this stuff all over you, and maybe then Sharky won't hurt you at all. In fact, he'll think that you're a dog-he wouldn't hurt a dog like himself."

"Oh, kumbaya!" said Eek with a relieved smile. "Thanks, Ralph. You're a real pal. Go right on ahead." Ralph put his car on "Self-Drive Mode" and turned around to spray some of the dog spray all over Eek. When he was finished, he got back and turned "Self-Drive Mode" off. He said, "I have another spray can that makes a person smell like a cat. Sharky hates cats-so when I spray some of this on Dastardly, he'll be in for a big surprise."

"But Ralph," said Eek, concerned. "Isn't that cheating?"

"The rules never say that you can't cheat. It's a free-for-all, remember?"

"Well, all right. Whatever you say. Let's give that mean old Dastardly guy a taste of his own medicine!"

Ralph nodded, before taking out his cell phone and dialing the number of Eek's girlfriend, Annabelle. He said, "Hello? Annabelle? This is Ralph Raccoon, and I want you to do me a favor. Can you send your dog, Sharky, to us? We need him for our plan."

"And what would that be?" a female voice with a Southern accent said on the line.

Ralph whispered the details of his plan, and the voice giggled. She said, "All right. I'll do that right away. But be careful, now..." He hung up and said to the racers, "The dog will be sent to us once we get to Salina."

"Great," said Buster with a snicker. "I can't wait to see the look on the bad guy's face when Sharky gets here."

Meanwhile, at Jackson Roberts' Secret Headquarters in Quahog, Rhode Island (the home of "Family Guy"), Jackson was irritated at the failure of his sidekicks. He roared, "PRAVO! WHY DID YO CREATE THAT HUNTER ROBOT? I REALLY WANTED HUNTER DEAD! If you fail me one more time, I'll kick you and Groomer off of my team! Got it?"

"Yes, sir," muttered Pravo, scared and ashamed.

Jackson continued, "Now, I've got a new plan-I will turn Hunter into Dark Hunter, and to do that an evil baby will be my cover, so Hunter won't know the difference. He can't hurt kids, so Stewie Griffin will be the one to do that."

Then Stewie came in, smiling evilly and holding Rupert. He said, "I'd be happy to oblige, Jackson, since I told you a favor."

"Good," said Jackson, handing Stewie a flask of Dark Liquid. "Take this and put it in your serect compartment in your backpack, since this place got X-ray sensors."

"Brilliant! Now, I'm ready."

"Okay, head off." And Stewie left, on his way to recruit Hunter over to the Dark Side.

Back in Salina, the racers had already arrived. Ralph was leading Sharky by a metal chain leash (he had sprayed some of the Dog Spray stuff on himself, too, before doing this), and in his other paw was the Cat Spray can. He said, "Dastardly and his dog are inside the Denny's restaurant, eating a fine lunch even as we speak. Here's how my plan will go-Eek, you hold Sharky, and wait outside while the rest of us enter the restaurant. We'll be disguised as waiters, so they won't recognize us, and as soon as Dastardly and Muttley are distracted, I'll spray the Cat Spray stuff all over them. Then, we'll go back outside and wait for them to come out after eating their lunch-and when they do, I'll give you a signal to let Sharky go."

"What will you do when you're in the restaurant?" asked Eek.

Ralph replied, "Let's say we'll give them a birthday party, even though it's not their birthday today." He and the other racers started dressing up in red striped tweed jackets with matching trousers, sprightly blue bow ties, and yellow straw hats (with blue bands around them). As they started towards the restaurant, Ralph continued, "You and Sharky stay here. And remember, Eek-you will release him when I say the secret word."

"What is it?"

Ralph looked around, before whispering, "The secret password...is 'fetch'."

"All right. Good luck in there."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Sky, Ralph, Speed, Yakko, Buster, Daffy, and Huck, all of them disguised as waiters, entered the restaurant. There, they saw Dastardly and Muttley sitting at a table next to the window. Ralph was holding a large plate that held a big birthday cake with vanilla frosting, and in his pocket was the can of Cat Spray. Ralph whispered, "There they are, you guys. Let's hope my plan works..."

They rushed over to the table. Buster blew a party horn, and the men sang a cheerful song to the startled villains.

_Have a very happy birthday,  
This song is just for you,  
We have some cake and ice cream  
And a nice little song, too_

_So, have a happy birthday,  
A year older you are,  
We hope you snag a victory  
In your great big car!_

"Hey!" said Dastardly angrily. "It's not my birthday, you fools!" He added with a wicked smile, "However, I really like your comment on my future victory in the race. So...let me have it!"

Ralph cracked a puckish grin and slammed the cake into Dastardly's face. He said with mock innocence, "Oops! Clumsy me!"

Dastardly wiped the cake and frosting off of his face. He yelled, "What was _that_ for?"

"Sorry, sir," said Ralph. "You can blame my feet-I am always tripping over everything. And by the way-" Here he pointed to the window and shouted, "What's that over there?"

"Huh?" said Dastardly. He and Muttley turned their heads towards the window, and when they did that, Ralph got out the Cat Spray and sprayed the scent all over them before they could even look back at them. Ralph chuckled and said, "Sorry about that, too. Always the weirdest hallucinations. Anyway, since it's your birthday, you've just won a free makeover for your race car!"

The eyes of Dastardly and Muttley instantly lit up. "Is that true?"

"Sure. And for your dog, we'll also be giving him free medals and a lifetime's supply of Frisky Puppy dog biscuits!"

Muttley wagged his tail and said, "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"

Ralph and his friends went towards the doors of the restaurant and beckoned the two villains to come outside. Ralph said, "Would you please come with us for a minute?"

Once Dastardly and Muttley were outside, they were stunned. The race car had not been remodeled-it was just the same. Dastardly said, "I don't see an automobile remodeling crew around here. At least, it'll need a paint job. When can we get started?"

"We'll start," said Ralph. "Just as soon as I say the magic word."

"Oh, boy! This is gonna be fun! What is it? Abba-ca-dabra?" Ralph shook his head. "Hocus pocus?" Ralph shook his head again. "Well, what _IS_ it, then?"

With a sly smile, Ralph replied, "A word just like...FETCH!"

Eek let go of the leash and Sharky ran barking at Dastardly and Muttley. The villains screamed and ran away as fast as they could, the angry (and very hungry) dog running right after them down the road. And they were never seen again. This made the racers laugh so hard, they had to catch their breaths before saying anything else. Speed Racer said, "Dastardly and Muttley just left the race. I doubt they will ever re-enter again with Sharky on their tails."

The racers changed back into their uniforms and went inside the restaurant to have lunch themselves. Then, they left Salina and went on their way to the next destination, Topeka. Sky asked, "What about Cyril Sneer and the pigs?"

"They're in Topeka," replied Ralph. "And my guess is that since Dick Dastardly is disqualified, the pink aardvark is taking over the position of 1st Place."

"Are you going to do the same prank like we did to Dastardly and his dog?"

"No-I have a different plan. And this time, I'm going it alone."

"What will you do?"

"I'm going to pull off the old lady-with-a-flat-tire gag. That will fool Mr. Sneer and slow him down at the same time-he'd do anything to help a poor dame in distress. It's a good thing I have a female costume stuffed right in my car's compartment."

At the Road Rovers base in Denver, it was Fan Day. Millions of kids were going to meet the Road Rovers and Charles III. Stewie came up to Hunter and said, "Hello, Hunter. I'm a big fan of yours. Can we have a talk over a drink?" He had faked his voice in order to lead Hunter into a false sense of security.

"Sure, Stewie," Hunter said. He turned to Colleen and said, "Colleen, you go talk to Charles III, while I go talk to Stewie. It won't take long."

Colleen answered with a smile, "Okay, love. I will do that." And she went to find Charles.

Hunter took Stewie into the kitchen, and got out two glasses, in which he then poured water for himself and apple juice for Stewie. When they headed back, he placed them on the table. Stewie asked, "Oh, I almost forgot to ask you one more thing-can I have an autographed tennis ball, so I can remember it?"

Hunter replied, "Oh, sure, little buddy. It's in my room-I'll be right back." As soon as Hunter was gone, Stewie quickly put the Dark Liquid in Hunter's water. Once it was done, he put it back into his secret compartment. Then, Hunter came back with an autographed tennis ball. Giving the ball to Stewie, he said, "Here you go, little guy."

"Thanks."

Stewie drunk up his juice and Hunter drunk his water. He didn't even notice the Dark Liquid pouring into his belly. Then Stewie began to head out. He said, "I have to go-Lois wanted me home by 6:00, so I'll see you later."

Hunter waved "goodbye" at Stewie. His eyes turned red, then back to his normal color-this was the first sign of the Dark Liquid taking over his body.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Topeka, Cyril Sneer was in 1st Place. He said to the pigs, "When I win the race, I'll get back at that raccoon for what he did to me!" Just then, he heard a cry for help. He stopped his car and looked around to see where the voice was coming from. Then he saw a gentle old lady (that's Ralph Raccoon in disguise!) standing by a supposedly wrecked jalopy. The old woman saw Cyril and waved the handkerchief in the air, shouting in a high-pitched falsetto voice, "Yoo-hoo! Good sir!"

Cyril got out of his car and went over to the old lady. He asked, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm a little old lady," said the woman. "And I'm stranded on this side of the road, because my poor tire just blew out. Would you please be so kind as to help me replace it?"

Now, Mr. Sneer was no angel-he had the heart and mind of Ebenezer Scrooge. But then, he decided to give the woman some help with the tire, and that would be the only decent thing he's able to do. He said, "All right, ma'am. I'll help you. I have some spare tires in the trunk of my car. Stay here-I'll be right back."

As soon as Cyril turned his back, the old woman looked behind her and saw the other racers hiding behind the rocks. She whispered (in Ralph's normal voice), "How's that?"

"Priceless!" whispered Eek with a snicker. "Once he gives you one of his tires, you're gonna whack him with the mallet-that way, it'll knock him out and we'll be able to leave him and the pigs behind."

Ralph nodded, before going back to his "old woman" disguise and turning back to face Cyril.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Cyril returned with the spare tire. He said, "Here you go, ma'am. I'll have my pigs to put it in for you."

"Oh, thank you, sir," said Ralph, continuing in a high-pitched falsetto voice. "You're a real gentleman."

Cyril blushed at this. "Well, nothing to it, anyway..."

With that, Ralph whipped out the mallet and whacked him on the head with it. Cyril fell straight to the ground, unconscious. The pigs saw this and tried to help their boss, but Sky, Speed Racer, and Eek came out and whacked them, too, one by one. Ralph then took off the old woman disguise and shouted, "Sweet dreams, Hose-Nose!" And they all laughed and gave each other high fives.

Then Big Cheese and Jeremy Actrict sped right past them. Big Cheese roared victoriously, "HA-HA-HA! I'm going to be vice-president, and not you! HA-HA-HA-HA!"

"Oh, man," said Sky. "I got this one, Ralph-here's my plan for Seymore."

"Yeah?" said Ralph with a smirk. "I have another plan, too, involving Boris Badenov."

Eek added, "And I have one for the Red Guy!"

They laughed and high-fived again, before getting back to their race cars and zooming off.

CUE SONG: "The Race Is On!"

The racers reached their destination, a city in the state of Missouri called St. Louis. There, they spotted Big Cheese and Jeremy taking pictures of the Gateway Arch. Ralph and Sky slowly crept up to them, and shoved paper bags over the villains' heads. On each bag was drawn an ugly monster-like face, meaning to make Big Cheese and Jeremy look like bank robbers. Then, at Ralph's signal, Eek ran over to a police station and told the cops that there were two bank robbers threatening a mother and her baby (that's Ralph disguised as the woman and Buster dressed up as a baby). In an instant, Big Cheese and Jeremy were arrested.

RALPH: (singing)  
_Here we go, along the road,  
I'm so excited I'm about to explode,  
The big day's here,  
And I'm the one to achieve it_

EEK: (singing)  
_I can almost see the headlines now:  
"Vice-President Chosen, Let's Have A Cow!"  
The big day's here,  
And I will win, just believe it_

Next, the racers reached Alton, Illinois. On the way, they came upon the Museum of Alton High School. It used to be a high school, then it turned into an elementary school (thanks to those greedy kids), then turned back into a high school, and finally after two years it opened as a museum. There, they discovered Boris gazing at the statue of the school's mascot, a redbird. Ralph's idea was this-to make the statue come alive so as to literally drive Boris insane. He did it by taking out an "It's Alive" remote control simulator, which is used to make inanimate objects move. With the press of a button, the statue instantly came alive and flapped its wings, squawking angrily. Boris was frightened out of his wits, and he ran screaming outside the museum, with the statue flying after him. Ralph and his friends laughed and shared high fives.

BUSTER: (singing)  
_I'm gonna be a vice-president,  
But not until I reach the Big Apple,  
I know I'm a Canerican resident  
And I'm sure it's gonna be a raffle!_

ALL: (singing)  
_So the race is on,  
Yeah, it's going on like a marathon,  
Speeding like a cheetah, flyin' like a plane,  
Once I'm the winner things will never be the same!_

Having crossed Illinois, they entered Indiana and Ohio. They continued the hijinks of pranking the other villains in the race. In Indianapolis, Mr. Red Guy was tarred and feathered. In Cincinnati, Montana Max fell into a ditch, which was covered with dried leaves. And in Cleveland, the Hooded Claw and the Bully Brothers were led astray by a fake phone call, telling them that they've just won a trip to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. It turned out that they were shot by a freeze ray, frozen in the city forever.

RALPH: (singing)  
_We've got the magic, we've got the touch,  
It's no wonder why they love us oh so much_

SKY: (singing)  
_There's no stopping us, yes, it's true,  
We're gonna do our best for me and you!_

ALL: (singing)  
_So the race is on,  
Yeah, it's going on like a marathon,  
Speeding like a cheetah, flyin' like a plane,  
Once I'm the winner things will never be the same!  
Yeah, once I'm the winner things will never be the same!_

_All right! _

"The race is still going strong," said Polly in the next coverage of the contest. "But it seems that most of the villains have been disqualified for mysterious reasons. Among the bad guys quitting the race are as follows: Dick Dastardly and his dog Muttley, Cyril Sneer, Big Cheese and Jeremy Actrict, Boris Badenov, Red Guy, Montana Max, the Hooded Claw, and countless others after them. The other racers on the good side are immune to this curious chain of events somehow. And the best news is that...Ralph Raccoon is in 1st Place! Now, he's in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, with Sky tailing him in 2nd Place and Eek the Cat in 3rd. Wow! Things have been getting more and more exciting over the past few days-I can't wait to see who will make it to New York as the next vice-president of Canerica!"

Back at the Road Rovers base, Hunter had just turned dark. His eyes turned red. Sensing something wrong, Colleen came over to him and said, "Love, are you okay?"

Hunter snarled, "How about get out of my life?" Then he smacked Colleen down. She sat up, crying. She sobbed, "Hunter, what's wrong with you?"

"Well, I feel kinda dark," said Hunter. Charles III came over to save Colleen. He said, "Hunter, stop it. This is so not you!"

Hunter replied, "I'm not Hunter of the Road Rovers. You're looking at the new Hunter-the loyal servant of Jackson Roberts! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

He started advancing towards Charles III. Then the other Road Rovers came over. Blitz said, "Hunter, what's wrong with you?"

"Hunter became Dark Hunter," said Charles III. "Stewie put something into Hunter's water to make him become evil. Jackson must be behind this-he made sure the Dark Liquid is irresistible to anything."

"Oh, no," Colleen whispered in shock.

Hunter laughed and shouted, "See you later, chumps!" Then he sped off into the wall, heading to Quahog.

Charles III said, "We've got to warn President Raccoon about Jackson striking and the Dark Liquid he made, too."

Professor Shepherd took out his cell phone to make the call. He said, "Charles III, since Hunter became dark, you'll be the team's new leader."

Charles III nodded, before going over to Colleen and hugging her. He said, "I'm sorry about your love, Colleen, but I will help you take care of your kids, so I will marry you."

Colleen smiled. She whispered, "I will always remember Hunter. Since he turned dark right now, I will be with you, too."


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

The racers, having passed Pittsburgh, were now heading for the I-76 Pennsylvania toll road to Philadelphia. Ralph, Sky and Eek had the lead, but then a black car came and rammed Buster's car. Seeing this happen, Sky said, "Okay, how did Negaduck get into the race? And did we see him enter into it?"

"Jackson, this is Negaduck," said Negaduck through a walkie-talkie. "Me and the Fearsome Five have the racers on sight."

"Good," said Jackson's voice. "Attack them."

"Right, Jackson."

Then Negaduck, Liquadator, QuackerJack, Megavolt and Monty of the Mole Men began ramming into the cars of Sky, Ralph, Buster, Eek, Speed and Yakko.

"Okay, guys," said Sky. "We need to take them down, but has anyone got an idea?"

"Not me," said Ralph. "I'm running out of ideas." He turned to Eek, Buster, Speed, and Yakko, saying, "What about you?"

They all shook their heads. Sky said, "Then we have no choice but to just try to outrun them. If we do that, then we might be able to lose them somehow."

Just then, QuackerJack came up and rammed Eek's car. The spooked purple cat screamed, "AAAAAGH! I'm hit! I'm hit! All of my systems are going down!"

"See if you can try to ram him back!" shouted Ralph.

"I can't, Ralph! I'm losing control of my car! You'll have to go on without meeeee!"

And with that, he veered off into a ditch off the road. That's when more of the troubles began. Liquidator rammed into Buster-the bunny was out. Megavolt rammed into Yakko-the Warner brother was out, too. And lastly, Monty rammed into Speed Racer, running him off the road and damaging his beloved Mach 5. The only two racers left now were Sky and Ralph.

"Give up, Ralph Raccoon!" shouted Megavolt. "There's absolutely no way you're going to win this race!"

Ralph took out a water balloon and threw it at Megavolt, who screamed in agony. His car (which also ran on electricity) malfunctioned and veered out of control until it hit one of the lampposts. When it did, an airbag popped out and knocked the lights out of the evil rodent. Ralph then continued to pelt water balloons at the rest of the Fearsome Five, who either crashed or slipped out of the road. All of them…except Negaduck.

"You're not going to get away with it this time!" he exclaimed. He pulled his car up next to Ralph's and attached a bomb to it. "Try this one on for size!"

Negaduck laughed evilly, as Ralph struggled to pull the bomb off of his car. The bomb didn't budge, even with two or three strong pulls. Then...BOOM! Ralph, along with his car, was sent hurling straight into the sky, until he disappeared out of sight. Sky was infuriated. He shouted at Negaduck, "You're gonna pay for what you did to my pal!" And with that, he took out a wrench, pulled up to Negaduck's car, and jammed it into the engine. The car malfunctioned for a few moments, before exploding and engulfing itself in flames. Negaduck muttered, "Man, it's been one of those days..." Another explosion occurred and soon the crafty villain was dead. And that was the end of the Fearsome Five.

Ann Gora said in the next TV coverage, "With Negaduck and the Fearsome Five gone, only Sky Armington is left in the lead. But where is Ralph Raccoon? According to an instant-replay camera, Negaduck was seen placing a bomb onto the hood of Ralph's car. The explosion of the bomb seemed to have sent the raccoon flying into the air and out of sight, and nobody knows where he is now. But...wait! My correspondents are telling me that he crash-landed in a house somewhere in Quahog, Rhode Island. Who knows where it all could lead to?"

And she was right. Ralph had landed inside the Griffin household, right into Chris' room. Upon seeing the unconscious raccoon, Chris giggled excitedly and shouted, "Mom! Dad! There's a raccoon in my room! Can I keep him?"

Later, the Griffin family and Ralph were having a conversation. Lois said, "You're one of the participants in the Great Transcontinental Race?"

"I was," replied Ralph. "But then, Negaduck pulled up to me and put a bomb on the hood of my car. Next thing I knew, I was blown up sky high, literally. And...well...here I am."

"How could he do such a thing?" said Meg. "We've seen the race on TV, and we never saw him doing that."

"He's in league with Jackson Roberts', the ex-president's brother. I just don't know why Jackson wants to interfere with the competition, but I think it has something to do with dethroning President Raccoon." Suddenly, his cell phone rang and he answered it. "Hello?"

"Ralph, it's me," said Melissa's voice. "I'm in Denver, at the Road Rovers base. I've got bad news-Hunter has joined Jackson's team!"

"How did he do that?"

"I saw a baby put something in his drink, while he went off to get an autographed tennis ball for him. Here's the recording."

A hologram popped out of the cell phone, showing Hunter and Stewie at a table. When Hunter got up to leave, Stewie took out a flask of Dark Liquid and poured it into Hunter's glass of water before the brave dog could even return. Ralph was stunned. He said, "So, Stewie is with Jackson, too!"

"But he was such an innocent little child!" said Lois. She was stunned, too.

Ralph hung up the cell phone and said, "That villain has gone way too far this time. I'm going to over to his hideout, wherever it is, and I will not rest or go back to the race until he is vanquished!" And then he got up to leave. Upon going out the door, he added, "Oh, and when I do defeat him, could you pick me up in your car and take me back to the race? Sky's in 1st, but he won't be for long if another villain comes up to bean him."

Peter said, "Yeah, and watch out for those mean old dogs!"

At the secret hideout in Quahog, Hunter came in and bowed to Jackson. He said, "I am here, Master."

"Good," said Jackson, holding another bottle of Dark Liquid. "Now bring in the next test subject."

Roderick and Danforth brought in Bugs Bunny, who was tied up and blindfolded.

"Hey!" muttered Bugs. "What's going on here?" When they took the blindfold off and he saw Jackson, he murmured, "You..."

Jackson said, "Yeah, Bugs. I heard you resigned from the vice-presidency. Well, let me change that for you." Then, he injected the Dark Liquid into Bugs' arm. The bunny screamed, then he began to turn Dark as his fur changed from gray to black and his eyes became as red as Hunter's. He moaned, "I'm yours to command, Master."

"Good,' said Jackson. "You want revenge on Bert, right?"

"Yes, Master."

"That's good, because you're going to listen to my every command!"

Just then, the steel doors burst open and Ralph ran in. He shouted bravely, "Not on my watch, Jackson Roberts!"

Jackson growled. He shouted, "It's you! Ralph Raccoon, the member of the Time Toon Cops!"

"It's 'ex-Time Toon Cop', Jackson," corrected Ralph. "And I'm here to kick your butt!"


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Jackson simply smirked and snapped his fingers, shouting, "GET HIM!"

Dark Hunter and Dark Bugs ventured forward, ready to hurt Ralph. Then, a van came crashing though the wall, and Hannibal Smith, BA Baracuse, Howley Murdock, Face, Sancast, Bo, Luke, Krypto, Streaky, Dog Stars Patrol, and JLA came though the walls.

Hannibal shouted, "Not on your life, Jackson! We are the A-Team! And Ralph, Sky sent us to help you out."

They began to fight, as A-Team theme music began to play in the background. BA threw Pravo to the tables, Murdock jumped on top of Pravo, and thugs started beating up the rest of the A-Team. Krypto fought Dark Hunter, and the rest of his team fought the rest of Jackson's team. And then, Sky crashed though the wall, jumped out of his car, and leaped on top of Bugs, punching him.

"Sky?" Ralph asked. "I thought you were going to continue the race?"

"Yeah," answered Sky. "But when my telepathic senses told me that you were in trouble, I decided to help you out. You go on and win the race-you can take my car, it's running. I called my car XJR-it's the fastest car in the world. Go! Get in and drive off!"

"But Sky, I-"

"Don't worry about me, Ralph. I'll be fine!"

"Right."

Ralph ran out of the hideout and jumped into Sky's car. As soon as he drove off out of sight, Stewie asked, "What the deuce...how did they find us?"

"Just guess who ratted us out," said Jackson.

Stewie growled. He muttered, "LOIS! That woman deserves to die, as soon as I get my hands on her." When Murdock knocked him out, he continued weakly, "...or as soon as I get out of the hospital..."

Jackson continued, "But since you did your job, maybe I might need you, and Dark Hunter and Dark Bugs. So, Dark Hunter, Bugs, and Stewie, we're leaving." Then Jackson told Dark Streaky and Dark Krypto to attack their counterparts. They KO'd them, and returned to their master.

"It's been fun, but I have to be going. I'll be back to get at you someday! SEE YOU LATER, TTC LOSERS!"

Jackson, Dark Hunter, Dark Bugs, Stewie, Dark Streaky and Dark Krypto entered into their secret exit, as it close behind them. But just before he left, Jackson placed a bomb on a wall, setting it to explode in precisely 30 seconds. It would only be a matter of time before he would encounter the TTC again in the later years.

"Rats," said Pravo, as Sky arrested him and Groomer. "Jackson betrayed us and left us, too."

Streaky moaned weakly and said, "Man, Jackson, Dark Hutner, Dark Bugs, Stewie, Dark Krypto and Dark Streaky got away." He looked up and became shocked to see that Krypto was also hurt.

Sky looked up at the bomb and said, "We'd better get out of here before this whole place blows up."

They escaped the hideout in no time. They watched in horror as the countdown ended, "5...4...3...2...1...SELF-DESTRUCT!" And with that, the warehouse exploded into a melee of fire and steel, melting into a burnt shiny silver pulp. Sky sighed and turned around to face the road that Ralph left the scene on. He sighed again and muttered, "Good luck being the vice-president, Ralph..."

Meanwhile, at the UN Building in New York, President Raccoon and the millions of others waited for the outcome of the long race. Ann Gora said, "It's Day 12 of the Great Transcontinental Race, and so far all 100 of the racers seemed to be entirely disqualified. But still, there's no sign of Ralph Raccoon or Sky Armington anywhere."

"I guess this was a bad idea after all," Bert muttered sadly. "I've had so many successes in my life, but this...this is my first failure..."

Lisa patted her husband's back and said sweetly, "Well, look on the bright side, Bert. At least you kept trying. It was only good for twelve days, you know."

Just then, Bert Jr. looked around, smiled, and shouted out happily, "Uncle Ralph!"

"Huh?" said Bert. "What is it, son?"

"Uncle Ralph came! Over there!"

He was pointing at the road where a XJR car came zooming in, headed for the finish line. Bert looked in the direction his son was pointing to and gasped in excitement. He shouted, "It's Sky!"

"No," said Melissa, looking through her binoculars. "It's Ralph!"

The crowds cheered as Ralph drove his car up to the finish line, breaking a long red banner in two. Polly exclaimed happily, "And the winner of the Great Transcontinental Race is Ralph Raccoon! Way to go, Ralph!"

Everybody cheered again. Ralph jumped out of the car and ran up to the podium to receive the trophy. Melissa ran up to him and kissed him on the cheek. She said, "Ralph! You won! Where have you been all this time?"

"I was in Quahog," answered Ralph. "Where I encountered Jackson and his goons. They got away, but we'll get back at them next time."

"And where's Sky?"

"Oh, he's still around. Anyway, I'm so happy that I finally made it."

He walked up to Bert and shook hands with him. He hugged Lisa and Blaze, and patted Bert Jr. on the head. A reporter came up to him and said, "Ralph, you've just won the Great Transcontinental Race and the seat of the vice-presidency! What are you going to do now?"

Ralph smiled, before saying, "I'm going to the White House!"

Everybody laughed and cheered again. Ralph had just won the race, and now he was on his way to becoming the next vice-president of the United States of Canerica.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

A week after the race was over, Ralph was sworn in as the new vice-president, and Bert and his Cabinet members accepted him with distinct pleasure. Some of Ralph's pals came to witness the occasion-Sky and his wife Dot Warner, Eek the Cat and his girlfriend Annabelle, Speed Racer, Yakko Warner, Buster Bunny, Daffy Duck, and Huckleberry Hound. Not long after that, Bert and his family were invited to the wedding of Charles Roberts III and Colleen, which took place in Hollywood, California. Ralph, the new vice-president, was chosen as the best man. And what of Sky? Bert appointed him to become the governor of Georgia, as a reward for saving Ralph's life.

After having come home from the wild reception, Bert sighed happily as he lay back in his bed. Right beside him was Lisa, who was up reading _Sweet Valley High_. Bert said, "It's been two years, Lisa. And boy, what a life I've been leading! First, I took Charles' place as the new president of the country, before I renamed it Canerica. Then, I kicked Bugs out, held a race to find the new vice-president, and then...there was Ralph. I hope he does a good job of helping me to manage the newly growing nation."

"Yes, Bert," said Lisa. "Your country is definitely growing up, thanks to your striving efforts to make this world as peaceful as you wanted it to be." She then chuckled and continued, "And speaking of which...something else is growing, too."

Bert glanced up at his wife and gave her a curious look. He muttered, "What?"

"Our second baby, remember?" Lisa replied with an amused laugh. Then, she took his paw and placed it gently on her stomach, which had just begun to swell. Bert looked at the bulging belly with surprise and wonder, and he rubbed it with glowing happiness. He smiled and said, "Say, you're right-we _are_ expecting our second kid! Bert Jr. will be so happy to have a new sibling around, won't he?"

Lisa giggled and replied, "He will, Bert. He really will."

"Yes, Lisa, and so will we. Well, goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Bert reached over to the nightstand and turned the lamp off, before drifting off into a deep sleep. Several seconds later, he woke up and continued the conversation. "Uh, Lisa, what are you expecting? A boy or a girl?"

"Wait, Bert," whispered Lisa with an exasperated groan. "Just wait until the baby is born, and then we'll see. Now, please, let's just go to sleep."

And so, Bert and Lisa went back to sleep, without another word to be said. It was going to be some life he's about to lead.


End file.
